How to Deal With Disappointment

We all experience disappointment. Disappointment itself isn’t a problem. The problem comes in how you choose to deal with it. If you find yourself squashing the pain of major disappointments, denying your real feelings, or hoping that time will heal the pain, then you’re going to find yourself stuck. Here’s how to face your disappointment and move through it with God.

Disappointment is inevitable. We all experience it. You push hard for a promotion at work but get passed over. You dream of having children but the journey is harder than you expected. Your marriage isn’t working out how you hoped. If you choose to love, to hope, or to dream, then you risk experiencing disappointment.

On its own, disappointment is not the problem. It’s what you do with it that causes issues. If you choose to let it sit, or try to pretend our disappointment was not as painful as it was, then you’re going to run into issues.

In Proverbs 13:12, we read, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” (NIV) If you’re experiencing deferred hope and the heartsickness that goes along with it, here are some ways that you can deal with it.

Time Is Not a Healer

The first issue that we run into with disappointment is hoping that the pain will go away with time. Sarah Jackson, executive director of Catch The Fire, said, “What I know is that time is not going to heal it. I’ve met people 20 years later, 40 years later, even 60 years later, and they can describe their day of disappointment to me as clearly as though it were yesterday.”

In Genesis, we read about Abram and Sarai. Sarai has no children, and even though she’s old, her heartache clearly hasn’t gone away. Time has not healed her pain.

She is discontented, angry, and blames her husband. She becomes jealous when Hagai has Ishmael (which was actually Sarai’s idea) and mistreats Hagai and her baby. Disappointment becomes a lens through which she sees the world. She’s unable to comprehend God’s promise or have hope that He can do a miracle.

The Cost of Disappointment

Sarah’s unresolved pain held her back from trusting God. It’s the same with all of us. If you hold onto disappointment, it’ll cost more than you expect:

• You lose peace - Have you ever found yourself rehearsing and reframing the situation of your disappointment? You think: “If only I had said this,” or “If only I had made a different choice.” When you spend a long time trying to figure out what you did wrong and who’s to blame, you’re tormenting yourself. This Harvard Business Review article talks about how people often punish themselves for their disappointment, “They resort to obsessional self-blaming, as they feel ashamed or humiliated of not measuring up to the image of their ideal self. As a result, they direct their anger inward, to themselves.”

• Your relationships suffer - People you love may disappoint you by failing to fulfill your expectations. We often put higher expectations on other Christians, believing that they should have known better, which can make the pain of disappointment even deeper. When we don’t see God’s promises fulfilled as we had hoped, we often distance ourselves from Him. In these situations we resort to blame, which contributes to feelings of offence, bitterness and resentment. If we don’t deal with those feelings through forgiveness, the relational damage won’t heal.

• You let go of dreams - If you took a risk and it failed, you might have decided that you don’t want to try again for fear of suffering the same disappointment all over again. You protect yourself by giving up hope for that good thing, cutting off your ability to dream in that area.

Dealing With Disappointment

King David experienced deep pain and disappointment but he knew how to deal with it before God. Sarah Jackson said, “David made lots of mistakes, but David knew how to live in an open hearted relationship with the Lord. He knew how to run back to God and pour out all his pain, knowing that God wasn’t scared of his anger or his pain.”

Here are some things we can learn from the way David processed his pain before God in 1 Samuel 30:

1. Acknowledge your pain. The Amalekites attacked the Israelites and took all the women and children as prisoners, and David’s response was not mild: “So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.” (1 Samuel 30:4 NIV).

   However much you may be tempted to move on, or to put a positive veneer on your disappointment, God invites you to be real about it. Don’t make excuses in your heart, saying, “It wasn’t that bad”, or hiding behind a religious pretence that everything is okay when inside you’re torn apart by your pain. Numbing your true feelings won’t make them go away.

2. Tell God how you feel - Take time to really open up before God about your experiences. He understands your pain and is not afraid of it. He’s not surprised by your anger or fear.

   David says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18 NIV). When you choose to be open with God, it’s an opportunity to experience His presence intimately. If you struggle to open up, get help from a friend or ministry leader who can ask you questions that help you be real with yourself.

3. Forgive and repent - As you pour out your heart to God, some surprising things might come out of your mouth, “I’ll never forgive them.” “It was all my fault.” “If only things had been different.” “I can’t imagine my future being any better.”

   Allow the Holy Spirit to highlight how you’ve partnered with the lies of the enemy and fostered ungodly beliefs. Are you holding on to blame and bitterness? Take time to repent of any ungodly responses you’ve had and forgive yourself, God, and others that you’ve blamed for your situation.

4. Find Hope - As you’ve given every painful feeling to God, and spoken out repentance and forgiveness, invite God to speak into your situation. “David found strength in the Lord his God.” (1 Samuel 30:6 NIV). He invited God to speak to his emotions and show him what to do next.

   Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4 NIV). Ask God for His words of comfort and hope. Ask Him for vision for your future. He is the only one that can renew your hope and heal you from the pain of your disappointment.

Have I Dealt With My Disappointment?

The reality is that for some experiences, the pain may linger for a long time. You don’t ever fully ‘get over’ losing a loved one, and that’s okay. Here are some indicators that you’re healthily processing and moving on from your disappointment:

• You’ve stopped rehearsing what you’d say differently/do differently.

• You’re able to take risks. You’ve stopped controlling the outcome so that the same thing doesn’t happen again.

• You have hope and dreams in that area.

• You’re able to think about other people or organisations involved without blame.

Disappointment is not meant to stop you from living life as God designed it. If you allow God to heal you from the pain, there is so much that you can learn from your disappointments.

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This article references Sarah Jackson’s sermon on Disappointment at Catch The Fire Toronto on Sunday, October 19, 2018.